The last time I celebrated my birthday, the event itself was fun, but the incidents it spawned pretty much ruined the rest of my high school social life. The night saw my favourite people learn to get high on an energy drink, boys and girls mixed together all night without hooking up or hierarchy, just as people. At the time- in all my 17 year old wisdom- I imagined us all going through the rest of high school all the more mature, all the better friends.
And then not five months later I returned to school only to find my friends thought I was a phony, the hook ups had happened and guess what? Id missed the boat. Worst of all? That drowning in empty spaces feeling I got every time I walked into a room and the talking stopped. Or fake laughter resounded and it was common knowledge that I was the butt of said jokes or gossip. Still not sure which hurt more, my friends making said jokes, or walking away when I attempted to approach them.
I guess in high school such things happen, isn't there a statistic somewhere that says 5,000 people a year kill themselves suffering from the after effects of bullying? I wasnt one of those. But those last two years of high school, I can understand why people would. I think the only reason I didnt attempt suicide was to spite the people who were hurting me. They won in the classrooms, they won on the field, they won every lunch hour- but like hell they were going to win in my own home.
Sounds pretty vindictive, doesnt it? But there was the other battle going on at home. The battle between Mr&Mrs that somehow came down to me everytime.. dont you love how parents always find a way to bring their children into each and every one of their arguments? I shall never ceased to be amazed by this. And equally, if not more disgusted each time.
The second battle I lost every time. Yep, Im a pretty skilled loser when it comes to these things- Ive got the losing people thing down to an art form. People always leave. The only way to avoid the after effects is to never let anyone in all the way. Sounds cold and removed, but its the only good lesson my father ever taught me. Well, that and how to win at cards everytime.
I am yet to find which skill has proved more fruitful. The former is definitly harder. Sometimes we all need people who can hug you and tell you its going to be okay, the key is to get that hug once you've waited out whatever tornado blows through your life first. If you learn to survive the harder stuff by yourself, once your people have left you, you can survive that too.
This birthday, five years after the last one I celebrated with friends, Im being positive. There is to be a dinner, a colour theme has been organised- all guests must come in red, blue or yellow. The creative ones will realise secondary colours are also allowed. There is to be no black, gray or white attire. I refuse to have cake though. Last time, the cake part was a lot of fun, but maybe thats it. If things are different this time around - fun or no fun- then just maybe the after effects of this party won't come back to haunt me.
If everyone goes home with a smile, and doesnt hate me in five months, I shall consider the night a success. If not, well, I may just have to shift countries before I graduate.
*crosses fingers for things to just once, go a little well*
And then not five months later I returned to school only to find my friends thought I was a phony, the hook ups had happened and guess what? Id missed the boat. Worst of all? That drowning in empty spaces feeling I got every time I walked into a room and the talking stopped. Or fake laughter resounded and it was common knowledge that I was the butt of said jokes or gossip. Still not sure which hurt more, my friends making said jokes, or walking away when I attempted to approach them.
I guess in high school such things happen, isn't there a statistic somewhere that says 5,000 people a year kill themselves suffering from the after effects of bullying? I wasnt one of those. But those last two years of high school, I can understand why people would. I think the only reason I didnt attempt suicide was to spite the people who were hurting me. They won in the classrooms, they won on the field, they won every lunch hour- but like hell they were going to win in my own home.
Sounds pretty vindictive, doesnt it? But there was the other battle going on at home. The battle between Mr&Mrs that somehow came down to me everytime.. dont you love how parents always find a way to bring their children into each and every one of their arguments? I shall never ceased to be amazed by this. And equally, if not more disgusted each time.
The second battle I lost every time. Yep, Im a pretty skilled loser when it comes to these things- Ive got the losing people thing down to an art form. People always leave. The only way to avoid the after effects is to never let anyone in all the way. Sounds cold and removed, but its the only good lesson my father ever taught me. Well, that and how to win at cards everytime.
I am yet to find which skill has proved more fruitful. The former is definitly harder. Sometimes we all need people who can hug you and tell you its going to be okay, the key is to get that hug once you've waited out whatever tornado blows through your life first. If you learn to survive the harder stuff by yourself, once your people have left you, you can survive that too.
This birthday, five years after the last one I celebrated with friends, Im being positive. There is to be a dinner, a colour theme has been organised- all guests must come in red, blue or yellow. The creative ones will realise secondary colours are also allowed. There is to be no black, gray or white attire. I refuse to have cake though. Last time, the cake part was a lot of fun, but maybe thats it. If things are different this time around - fun or no fun- then just maybe the after effects of this party won't come back to haunt me.
If everyone goes home with a smile, and doesnt hate me in five months, I shall consider the night a success. If not, well, I may just have to shift countries before I graduate.
*crosses fingers for things to just once, go a little well*
0 comments:
Post a Comment