Cut into ribbons

Ever see a window break, or glass shatter? More often than not, the jagged edges of glass that are left behind look at me invitingly, as if to beckon. Haven't you ever wanted to walk past the sharp obtuse lines that look so beautiful and welcoming. Just to rub some of your skin against it to see whether the blood that flows out leaves a trace of its absence in you, as it reaches out to colour the shards.

I remember trying once. Except I was asking the pieces of bottle I held if they atleast, would let me be a part of them. Holding the flat flawed but beautifully fragile fragments of a recently shattered bottle, my fingers trembled for a few minutes. It was strange feeling, nothing like they describe in bad books and good movies- there was no life flashing before my eyes moment or hit of adrenaline.

Anticipation. Fear. Apprehension. And then suddenly an inner calm. Suddenly everything else seemed stagnant and steady. The yelling outside stemmed, my breathing slowed. And all of a sudden my hand was relaxing. My fingers loosened. I was aware of my knuckles curling, as if holding my fingers straight and steady had become too much of a burden.

I remember feeling calm. When I looked down, I wasn't standing anymore. I seemed to be closer to the tiled floor of the bathroom. There was a deep rust coloured ink spreading through the crevices of the tiles. A serene calm spread through my spine, from my neck all the way down to my toes. Everything faded slowly, with the distant hum of outside mingling with my silence.

The first time I was ever so comfortable in my skin happened to be when I was flowing out of it.

The End. And all that comes after.

I said goodbye, I even did the whole smile thing with absolutely no tears. I feel I deserve an Oscar. It was definitley the hardest thing Ive done in a long while. Not only did I prove to myself Im capable of fixing things, but I saved Him for once. Not so much from me I think, but from the guilt he'd feel if he had to keep seeing me.

Good deed of the day accomplished, I suppose. Then why does it feel like someone just wiped the pavement with my insides? I guess someone has to feel like crap and Ive taken on that role. He shall be the one who forgets a mistake, but what about Her? I wonder what her role is in all this? Will she be the wronged, or will he discover that she might be a betrayer, too?

Pure speculation there. But it could happen. Or Im just bitter right now and seeing smoke where there isn't any. All in favour of the latter, say 'Aye'.

What happens now? Well, Ive lost one of my best and oldest friends. Being human, and of gray morals I shouldn't see the man till he is married and Im well and truly over him. So, approximately thirty-five years..

That's the end, for now. Tragic, abrupt and fact.

*remove cape, cue the tears*

Bruised In Transit

Granted the last few posts have been overly sentimental. Reading over, I may as well dye my hair ebony, apply white chalk to my face and paint my room gray. Or I could share the resolution and waltz a little further down, what has been a turbulent few days.

I think I know where I stand now. There is to be a wedding. There is also, to be a secret. I shall have a drink to Him&Her and wish them all the best. I think it says somewhere in the friend rulebook, if you move forward, you learn a lesson.

Eerily enough, a friend today said every boy teaches us girls something. From brush your teeth twice a day if you want to be re-kissed; to the advantages and disadvanatges of circumsized vs uncircumsized penis'. The key is to remember each lesson learnt.

Note to self: try uncircumsized penis before your twenty-five.

The trouble with any lesson, I find, is implementing the example. Wanting what you can have and doing what you should do are all well and good lessons; but where would the fun be in implementing that.

I really am going to hell, aren't I?

In brighter news, DiffBoy promised he would sit beside me in Tartarus. I might even get to whip him, if I make it first. Which at the rate Im going, might just happen..

*disconditioned, bruised and shifted into transit*

Jealousy and choking on alibis'

There are now 48 hours between me, a deadline and a death.

Come Wednesday morning, some will be burnt, others removed and some destroyed. Somehow I see myself losing out in each of those scenarios. I think I'll be left to cover the burns, deal with the collateral and pick up after the destruction. Thank Gumby for plum jam is all Im saying. I think after I survive the next two days, Im going to need some serious drowning and plum jam will be my savior.

The deadline- first two chapters of my thesis, or at least an introduction and the first official chapter. All weekend, I haven't been able to do any work on anything, my mind keeps going over certain events and I come back to this horrible realisation that we've moved on from the awkward into the nasty. Im running out of alibis' that help avoid thessy, though.


The death, that remains to be seen. Am I capable of walking away from a friend who has come to mean a bit more?

Honestly? I think, maybe its time I saved him and returned years of the same favour.

After all, isnt that what friends do.

Wanted

The difference between needs and wants. I think Ive finally worked it out. A few weeks ago, a very sexy boy left me with this:

"When you realise that you dont need, but want someone; that sweetheart, makes all the difference"

At the time, I shrugged him off. But in retrospect I think I get it. Needing is when your life depends on the other persons, when everything you do seems irrelevant to what they do. But thats unhealthy, obsessive and a huge lie. How can you be so dependent on someone else?

Wouldn't it be better to want? Where what you feel is based only on the fact that you enjoy every aspect of that person- not because you depend on it, but because they genuinely make you happy. Needs and wants. I dont think anyone wants to be needed- thats what children require- they need love, attention, somebody else to care for them, make them feel important.

Shouldn't we, as grown ups [adults, even] want? Want to be happy with someone, want to be with the person because its choice and free will. Not obligation or forced in anyway?

I dont know.

I could be totally screwed, but I want to be wanted.

Not needed.

The Birthday Curse

The last time I celebrated my birthday, the event itself was fun, but the incidents it spawned pretty much ruined the rest of my high school social life. The night saw my favourite people learn to get high on an energy drink, boys and girls mixed together all night without hooking up or hierarchy, just as people. At the time- in all my 17 year old wisdom- I imagined us all going through the rest of high school all the more mature, all the better friends.

And then not five months later I returned to school only to find my friends thought I was a phony, the hook ups had happened and guess what? Id missed the boat. Worst of all? That drowning in empty spaces feeling I got every time I walked into a room and the talking stopped. Or fake laughter resounded and it was common knowledge that I was the butt of said jokes or gossip. Still not sure which hurt more, my friends making said jokes, or walking away when I attempted to approach them.

I guess in high school such things happen, isn't there a statistic somewhere that says 5,000 people a year kill themselves suffering from the after effects of bullying? I wasnt one of those. But those last two years of high school, I can understand why people would. I think the only reason I didnt attempt suicide was to spite the people who were hurting me. They won in the classrooms, they won on the field, they won every lunch hour- but like hell they were going to win in my own home.

Sounds pretty vindictive, doesnt it? But there was the other battle going on at home. The battle between Mr&Mrs that somehow came down to me everytime.. dont you love how parents always find a way to bring their children into each and every one of their arguments? I shall never ceased to be amazed by this. And equally, if not more disgusted each time.

The second battle I lost every time. Yep, Im a pretty skilled loser when it comes to these things- Ive got the losing people thing down to an art form. People always leave. The only way to avoid the after effects is to never let anyone in all the way. Sounds cold and removed, but its the only good lesson my father ever taught me. Well, that and how to win at cards everytime.

I am yet to find which skill has proved more fruitful. The former is definitly harder. Sometimes we all need people who can hug you and tell you its going to be okay, the key is to get that hug once you've waited out whatever tornado blows through your life first. If you learn to survive the harder stuff by yourself, once your people have left you, you can survive that too.

This birthday, five years after the last one I celebrated with friends, Im being positive. There is to be a dinner, a colour theme has been organised- all guests must come in red, blue or yellow. The creative ones will realise secondary colours are also allowed. There is to be no black, gray or white attire. I refuse to have cake though. Last time, the cake part was a lot of fun, but maybe thats it. If things are different this time around - fun or no fun- then just maybe the after effects of this party won't come back to haunt me.

If everyone goes home with a smile, and doesnt hate me in five months, I shall consider the night a success. If not, well, I may just have to shift countries before I graduate.

*crosses fingers for things to just once, go a little well*

Awkwardly, hers.

Its wrong to kiss married people. Especially the kind of kisses that lead to other things.. which could prove risky and not such a great idea when he's going home to her right after.

Even worse an idea if you and him have been friends for like ever, and you just know things are going to get awkward right before they get nasty, and head down shitscreek without a paddle.

I think Im now in the awkward stage- bright side? Not quite at the nasty. Down side? Have to look forward to swimming in a whole pile of crap that is, atleast partly my fault.

Note to self: THINK far more clearly when making decisions you know will cause chaos. It might be worth it at the time and at the very end.. but there's that whole middle road that is just plain grotesque- like a dog missing an ear, 2 legs and its tail- but still smiling at you.

Do you pet it or do you put it down?

That, fellow sucky people, is the $99 million dollar question.

Mood: Guiltily satisfied.

Supernatural, Guidelines & Boys in Swim-wear

It never fails to amaze me just how many laughs a movie night can bring- even when most of the guests are making bad jokes and terrible ad libs to the onscreen dialogue. Least at my place, these activities occurring regularly mean all is well in my Bubble.

Supernatural all Wednesday and a large chunk of Thursday with two very tall glasses of water = Happy, Happy, Happy Me! What better man is there than Dean Winchester? He saves lives, makes silly faces and maintains a witty and or sarcastic commentary through the entire ordeal. At the end of this post I shall be heading to hell with my best underwear on.

In less than 72hrs I must, must, MUST have two chapters of my as of yet, non-existent thessy* completed. Expanding on the 885 words I can claim right now, shouldnt be too difficult- its just a matter of forcing my fingers to type something that isnt a frivolous waste of time.. Mmhm. So happening.

Small goals have been set [oh! how proud O'Dude would be of me right now!] that allow me a well earned proze for every few thousand words produced or research conducted. Really, you know things are going badly if you have to bribe and con yourself into getting work done.

Its not even that I dont want to write it, its just the first few thousand words are proving incredibly elusive and Ive always hated being forced into strict rules and limits.

Case in point: Speed limits ARE guidelines. They are. Staunch believer that if a sign says '60' you can be 10km above or below that and still be within the framework of proper driving. Its difficult to keep your foot raised above the accelerator and brake at the same time.. so how on Earth will you be able to maintain a strict speed? Exactly. Not happening. Besides, if there is space available shouldnt we all make use of it? Waste not what is scarce, fellow earthlings.

Normally, it is I who makes new friends- by this imagine, a random conversation with strangers who I know of just barely in order to make a new friend eventually. For the first time in years some new being has dared to attempt this with me. In minimal swim wear no less. Lets call this boy El Scarcely Clado (Esc) "friended" me on FB as a common friend- who will be experiencing some fun lovin' torture at my hands at a later date- said I was worth knowing. Flattery aside, am deeply amused and bemused. Hopefully, Esc will be entertaining is months or years to come..

Must, must, must attempt work on Thessy*.

*waltzes to the left of the stage*

*thessy: for all unaware is the name given to my thesis project for this year. Derived from the Loch Ness monster as it has all the promises of being a great myth and legend for many years before it becomes a major pain in the buttocks.. as well as maintaining its monsterly status in my life for the entire period of its existence.. no doubt, it Will return to haunt me.

Betwixt

Upon the birth, there was much rejoicing in Mearth. The twins had been expected and prayed for over many years. The birth was simply the moment thousands of wishes were answered by a diety the people had long held blind faith in. Or so Meartheans believed.

The miserable wretches had completely forgotten that whenever Aurora answered one of their prayers, it held some great personal gain for her- after all, why else would a Goddess renowned for her obnoxiousness grant any wish?

The twins, however, were going to change not only the destiny of the Goddess Aurora, but the lives of all who had wished and hoped for their birth.

Good luck that was said to come from the birth of twins. As the people of Mearth were simple, kind folk
their only personal gain in the entire experience was the well-being of their kingdom and their ruler, that was to be guaranteed if twins were born within the ten years after the departure of The Visitor of Mearth.

Thus, on the dawn of the final morning of the tenth year of Absence the news of twins arriving to the heavily pregnant Lady May was news that brought not only the tears of joy, but tears of relief.

After all, who knew what evil would have befallen Mearth if twins had not graced their kingdom. Worse, what would have become of their king and queen had the day come to and end without the presence of twins?

What the people of Mearth failed to recall through their tears of gratitude and loud calls of thank Goddess', was what the Visitor had proclaimed the birth of Twins had potential to create.

And, that is where the importance of this tale lies.

Difficulty of Appreciation

Its difficult to appreciate our lives most days. There is always that one thing [or several in the case of some] that we are yet to attain. Then there is that one moment, when you realise just how lucky you really are. Sometimes, when you realise that okay, so maybe you didnt get that chocolate bar today, but you do have a large bowl of ice cream every night as a 'special treat'. Contradiction right there. But it is how I justify things generally- forgo the candy, appreciate the ice cream.

Then something happens.

However small, or inconsequential to my life it may seem, something will happen- case in point the accident a friends' parent survives, and you realise, maybe being loved by your parent who is still alive and well should be enough to appreciate today. I dont know. It certainly isnt why I started blogging. But it most certainly did make me appreciate having mum around a lot more.

And sometimes, that appreciation goes a long way. Blogging. Its like an online diary isnt it? That I wont be any good at. I cant bare myself to strangers quite like that- but if Im ever to be more trusting, someone insightful has said that this is a good way to begin. So here it is. My attempt at outter trust as he calls it. Haha, like there are different kinds of trust that we bestow upon one another and not a state that is attained. Guess, that remains to be seen. For now, here I am and here you are, dear reader- whoever you may be.

Perhaps, I will make a new friend out of this whole exercise. Perchance I won't.